the past few weeks

Today our creative writing group had its last class. We’ve been together for five years, and it’s sad to see everything change and everyone move on. But I’m proud of everyone and so thankful for it to have been part of my life for so long.

I’ve been more neurotic than usual, absolutely freaking out about post-secondary and various elusive friends. Lying in bed at two a.m. having existential crises, wondering why I act the way I act and over-thinking every second of the past three years.

My nails are getting long.

But, I guess you could say I’m in a bit of a funk. Loads of amazing and scary and unforgettable things are happening and I’m overwhelmed with life. People are changing, too. Friendships have gone sour, people are breaking up all over the place, others are having quasi-affairs and some are just all over the place emotionally, or barely there. Some like to bounce in and out of my life as they see fit. Exams are on the horizon and I’m feeling rather apathetic towards my studies, even though I believe education to be extraordinarily important.

I made a list the other night of what I want to do with my life. Here it is:

Art school? Poetry? French? Journalism? Political sciences? Teaching? Art history? Philosophy? Literature? History? Psychology? Creative writing? Sociology? Anthropology? Religious studies?

Naropa? Dalhousie? Emily Carr? Cambridge? Sussex? McGill?

Yoga teacher? Wanderer? professor? Runaway? Travel writer? Climber? Fashion blogger? Housewife? Buddhist? Artist? Cat lady? Designer? Novelist? Humanitarian? Singer? Psychologist? Philosopher? Backpacker? Superhero? Barista? Bartender? Lover? Freelancer? Activist? Therapist? Performer?

All of the above?

That’s a ton of questions, I know. And a lot of pipe dreams. But, hey. Our potential is infinite.

When I was in England last month, I spent a lot of time thinking, mostly on trains because they are the best places to think. I thought a lot about love and spirituality, because those seem to be recurring things. I also started writing a book, and met some lovely people (shout-outs to Riley from Revelstoke, Justin from Delaware, Sophie and her brother-from-another-mother from Brighton, and David and Ali from Pakistan/ London).

But anyway, I have spent more time reflecting and (even though I totally respect the catholic faith and all), I spent our school-wide-year-end mass quasi-meditating and praying to *whoever* while sending good vibes out to everyone that I love.

I do think that I belong (for now) in Brighton. I’ve already found myself a coffee shop to frequent (It’s called The Galley, best sandwiches ever), and a Buddhism center with cheap yoga/ meditation for students.

Right now I think that I need to reconnect with myself and just figure shit out. I’m thinking of attending some services at the Calgary Buddhist Temple before I leave, because I want to learn more about Buddhism and why I feel such a pull towards it.

And so I’m leaving soon. Mixed feelings. I love Quebec, but I’m missing out on the things that make me, Me. I’ll be missing Wordsworth, and for the first time in seven years a creative writing camp (with the exception of one marketing course when I was 11) will not be part of my summer. I’ll also be missing the Folk Festival, which is honestly what I look forward to the most about the summertime (other than WW, of course), and I won’t be able to attend the midnight premier of DH Pt. 2 with my closest friends. I know that I need to go to Laval, though. I need that independence and detachment. I need to learn and experience things in a different setting for a while.

Exhaustion is setting in.

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